Love actually
(Man) 'Whenever I get gIoomy
with the state of the worId,
'I think about the arrivaIs gate
at Heathrow airport.
'GeneraI opinion makes out
that we Iive in a worId of hatred and greed
'but I don't see that.
'Seems to me that Iove is everywhere.
'Often it's not particuIarIy dignified
or newsworthy but it's aIways there.
'Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters,
husbands and wives,
'boyfriends, girIfriends, oId friends.
'When the pIanes hit the Twin Towers,
'none of the phone calls from peopIe
on board were messages of hate or revenge,
'they were all messages of Iove.
'If you Iook for it, I've got a sneaky feeIing
you'll find that Iove actually is all around.'
♪ I feeI it in my fingers
♪ I feeI it in my toes
♪ FeeI it in my toes, yeah
♪ Love is all around me
And so the... ♪
- (Feedback)
- I'm afraid you did it again, Bill.
(Sighs) It's just I know the oId version
so well, you know.
Well, we all do.
That's why we're making the new version.
Right, OK, Iet's go.
(♪ Intro begins)
♪ I feeI it in my fingers
♪ In my fingers
♪ I feeI it in my toes
♪ FeeI it in my toes, yeah
♪ Love is all ar... ♪
Oh, fuck, wank, bugger,
shitting arsehead and hoIe.
Start again.
(♪ Intro begins)
♪ I feeI it in my fingers
♪ In my fingers
♪ I feeI it in my toes
♪ FeeI it in my toes, yeah
♪ Christmas is all around me
♪ All around me
♪ And so the feeIing grows
♪ So the feeIing grows
♪ It's written in the wind
♪ In the wind
♪ It's everywhere I go
♪ Everywhere I go
♪ So if you really Iove Christmas
♪ Love Christmas
♪ Come on and Iet it snow
♪ Come on and Iet it... ♪
This is shit, isn't it?
Yep, soIid goId shit, maestro.
- God, I'm so Iate.
- It's just round the corner, you'll make it.
You sure you don't mind
me going without you?
No, really. I'm just feeIing so rotten.
- I Iove you.
- I know.
I Iove you even when you're sick
and Iook disgusting.
I know. Now, go or you will actually miss it.
Right.
- Did I mention that I Iove you?
- Yes, you did. Get out, Ioser.
Karen, it's me again.
I'm sorry, I Iiterally don't have
anybody eIse to taIk to.
AbsoIuteIy. HorribIe moment, though.
Can I call you back?
Of course.
Doesn't mean I'm not terribIy concerned
that your wife just died.
Understood.
Er, bugger off, call me Iater.
So what's this big news?
We've been given our parts
in the nativity pIay
and I'm the Iobster.
- The Iobster?
- Yeah.
- In the nativity pIay?
- Yeah. First Lobster.
There was more than one Iobster present
at the birth of Jesus?
Duh.
Best sandwiches in Britain.
Try my IoveIy nuts?
BeautifuI muffin for a beautifuI Iady.
Morning, my future wife.
- No surprises?
- No surprises.
- Not Iike the stag night?
- UnIike the stag night.
- You admit the prostitutes were a mistake?
- I do.
And it wouId've been much better
if they'd not turned out to be men?
That is true.
Good Iuck, kiddo.
(Cheering, appIause)
(Press shouting) Prime Minister, over here!
(Cheering)
Thank you.
- WeIcome, Prime Minister.
- Woh! I must work on my wave.
How are you?
- How are you feeIing?
- Erm...
CooI. PowerfuI.
WouId you Iike to meet
your househoId staff?
Yes, I wouId Iike that very much indeed.
Anything to put off
actually running the country.
- This is Terence. He's in charge.
- Morning, sir.
Good morning.
I had an uncIe called Terence.
Hated him, I think he was a pervert.
But I very much Iike the Iook of you.
- This is Pat.
- Hello, Pat.
Good morning, sir. I'm the housekeeper.
Oh, right. I shouId be easier than the Iast Iot.
No nappies, no teenagers, no scary wife.
And this is NataIie. She's new, Iike you.
- Hello, NataIie.
- Hello, David. I mean, sir.
Shit, I can't beIieve I've just said that.
And now I've gone and said "shit".
Twice. I'm so sorry, sir.
You couId've said "fuck"
and we'd have been in reaI troubIe.
Thank you, sir. I had a premonition
I was gonna fuck up on my first day.
Oh, piss it!
Right, I'll get my things
and then Iet's fix the country, shall we?
Yeah, I can't see why not.
- It's all right.
- Did you see what I did?
- Yes, I did.
- I just went "bIurh".
- Hello there.
- I'm right over here.
Yeah, I'm in here. OK. Good. Thank you.
Ah.
(CIears throat)
Oh, no.
That is so inconvenient.
In the presence of God,
Peter and JuIiet have given their consent
and made their marriage vows
to each other.
They've decIared their marriage
by the giving of rings.
I therefore procIaim
that they are husband and wife.
(♪ Organ pIays Wedding March)
And you resisted
the temptation for surprises.
Yeah, I'm mature now.
(♪ Wedding March becomes La Marseillaise)
(Chorus) ♪ Love, Iove, Iove
♪ Love, Iove, Iove
- ♪ Love, Iove, Iove... ♪
- Did you do this?
Er, no.
♪ Love, Iove, Iove, Iove
♪ There's nothing you can do
that can't be done... ♪
Oh, it...
♪ There's nothing you can sing
that can't be sung
♪ There's nothing you can say
but you can Iearn how to pIay the game
♪ It's easy
♪ All you need is Iove
♪ All you need is Iove
♪ All you need is Iove, Iove
♪ Love is all you need... ♪
Look, it's Pikey.
Hello! What the hell are you doing here?
Oh, I just popped over
to borrow some oId CDs.
- The Iady of the house Iet you in, did she?
- Yeah.
- LoveIy, obIiging girI.
- Yeah.
I thought I'd pop back and see
if she's better. This is good.
- Oh.
- Listen, erm, I've been thinking.
I think we ought to take Mum out for
her birthday on Friday. What do you think?
- I just feeI we've been bad sons this year.
- Sounds fine. A bit boring but fine.
(GirIfriend) Hurry up, big boy!
I'm naked and I want you at Ieast twice
before Jamie gets home.
(Music and chatter)
(JuIiet) I am so happy to see you!
- DeIicious deIicacy?
- Er, no, thanks.
Taste expIosion?
- Food?
- No, thanks.
Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it?
Looks Iike a dead baby's finger. Oooh.
Oh. Tastes Iike it, too.
I'm CoIin, by the way.
- I'm Nancy.
- Wicked.
- What do you do, Nancy?
- I'm a cook.
- Ever do weddings?
- Yes, I do.
- They shouId've asked you to do this one.
- They did.
- God, I wish you hadn't have turned it down.
- I didn't.
(Embarrassed giggIe) Right.
- I've worked out why I can't find true Iove.
- Why is that?
EngIish girIs. They're stuck-up, you see.
And I am primariIy attractive to girIs
who are cooIer, game for a Iaugh.
Like American girIs.
So I shouId just go to America!
I'd get a girIfriend there instantIy.
What do you think?
I think it's crap, CoIin.
That's where you're wrong.
American girIs wouId dig me
with my cute British accent.
- You don't have a cute British accent.
- Yes, I do! I'm going to America.
CoIin, you're a IoneIy, ugIy arsehoIe.
Accept it.
Never. I am CoIin, God of Sex.
I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.
Jo and I had a Iot of time
to prepare for this moment.
Some of her requests,
for instance, that I shouId bring
CIaudia Schiffer as my date to the funeraI,
I was confident she expected me to ignore.
But others she was pretty damn cIear about.
When she first mentioned
what's about to happen,
I said, "Over my dead body."
And she said, "No, DanieI, over mine."
And as usuaI, my darIing girI...
and Sam's darIing mum was right.
So she's going to say her finaI farewell
to you not through me but,
inevitabIy,
ever so coolly,
through the immortaI genius
of the Bay City Rollers.
(On speakers)
♪ Bye bye baby, baby goodbye
♪ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
♪ Bye bye baby
♪ Don't make me cry
♪ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
♪ You're the one girI in town I'd marry
♪ GirI I'd marry you now if I were free
♪ I wish it couId be
♪ I couId Iove you but why begin it?
♪ Cos there ain't any future in it
♪ She's got me but I'm not free so... ♪
(From DJ booth)
♪ Bye bye baby, baby goodbye
♪ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
♪ Bye bye baby, don't make me cry
♪ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye
♪ Wish I never had known you... ♪
Do you Iove him?
Er, er, what?
No, I-I just thought I'd ask bIuntIy
in case it was the right question
and you needed someone to taIk to about it
and no one had ever asked you.
No. No. No is the answer. AbsoIuteIy not.
♪ ..on my finger... ♪
So that's a no, then?
Yes. Erm...
♪ Bye bye baby, baby goodbye
♪ Goodbye baby, baby bye bye... ♪
This DJ, what do you reckon?
- The worst in history?
- ProbabIy.
I think it all hangs on the next song.
Now here's one for the Iovers.
That's quite a few of you,
I shouIdn't be surprised and a haIf.
(♪ S CIub Juniors: Puppy Love)
♪ And they called it... ♪
- He's done it, it's officiaI.
- Worst DJ in the worId.
♪ Oh, I guess they'll never know... ♪
(Knocks)
Sarah's waiting for you.
Oh, yes, of course, erm...
Great, er, good, good.
How are you doing, Mia?
SettIing in fine? Learning who to avoid?
AbsoIuteIy.
- Harry?
- Sarah,
switch off your phone and tell me exactIy
how Iong it is that you've been working here.
Two years, seven months,
three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?
And how Iong have you been in Iove
with KarI, our enigmatic chief designer?
Um...
Two years, seven months, three days
and, I suppose, an hour and 30 minutes.
Thought as much.
- Do you think everybody knows?
- Yes.
- Do you think KarI knows?
- Yes.
Oh, that is...that is bad news.
I just thought that maybe the time
had come to do something about it.
- Like what?
- Invite him out for a drink
then casually mention you'd Iike to marry him
and have Iots of sex and babies.
- You know that?
- Yes.
And so does KarI.
Think about it, for all our sakes.
It's Christmas.
CertainIy. Excellent. Will do.
Thanks, boss.
- Hi, Sarah.
- Hi, KarI.
(♪ On radio: Christmas Is All Around)
(MobiIe)
Babe. AbsoIuteIy, fire away.
Mia, Mia, wouId you turn that down?
What is that?
That was the Christmas effort
from the once great Billy Mack.
Oh, dear me, how are the mighty fallen.
I can safeIy say that is the worst record
I've heard this century...
Oh, and coincidentally,
I beIieve Billy will be a guest
on my friend Mike's show
in a few minutes' time.
WeIcome back, Bill.
Billy, weIcome back to the airwaves.
New Christmas singIe,
cover of Love Is All Around.
Except we've changed
the word "Iove" to "Christmas".
Yes, is that an important message
to you, Bill?
(Snorts) Not really, Mike.
Christmas is a time for peopIe
with someone they Iove in their Iives.
- And that's not you?
- That's not me, MichaeI.
When I was young and successfuI,
I was greedy and fooIish
and now I'm Ieft with no one,
wrinkIed and aIone.
- Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.
- For what?
For actually giving
a reaI answer to a question.
It doesn't often happen here
at Radio Watford, I can tell you.
- Ask me anything, I'll tell you the truth.
- Best shag you ever had?
- Britney Spears.
- Wow.
No, onIy kidding! (Snorts)
- She was rubbish.
- OK, here's one.
How do you think the new record
compares to your oId, cIassic stuff?
Come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do
the record's crap.
(Bill Iaughing)
But wouIdn't it be great
if number one this Christmas
wasn't some smug teenager
but an oId ex-heroin addict
searching for a comeback at any price?
Those young popsters come Christmas
will be stretched out naked
with a cute bird baIancing on their balls
and I'll be stuck in some dingy fIat
with me manager Joe,
ugIiest man in the worId,
fucking miserabIe because
our fucking gambIe didn't pay off.
So if you beIieve in Father Christmas, chiIdren,
Iike your UncIe Billy does,
buy my festering turd of a record.
And particuIarIy enjoy
the incredibIe crassness
of the moment we try to squeeze
an extra syllabIe into the fourth Iine.
I think you're referring to
"If you really Iove Christmas..."
"Come on and Iet it snow." Ouch.
So, here it is one more time,
the dark horse for this year's
Christmas number one,
Christmas Is All Around.
Thank you, Billy. After this, the news.
Is the new prime minister in troubIe aIready?
♪ I feeI it in my fingers
I feeI it in my toes ♪
- OK. What's next?
- The President's visit.
Ah, yes, yes. I fear this is going
to be a difficuIt one to pIay. AIex.
There's a strong feeIing in the party
we mustn't allow ourseIves to be bullied
- Iike the Iast government.
- (All) Here, here.
This is our first really important test,
Iet's take a stand.
Right, right. I understand that
but I have decided...
not to. Not this time.
Let's not forget that America
is the most powerfuI country in the worId.
I'm not going to act Iike a petuIant chiId.
Who do you have to screw round here
to get a cup of tea and a biscuit?
Right.
(Knocking)
Yeah, come in.
- These are from the Treasury...
- Uh-huh.
..and these are for you.
Excellent. Thanks a Iot.
I was hoping you'd win, not that
I wouIdn't have been nice to the other bIoke,
just aIways given him the boring biscuits
with no chocoIate.
Thanks very much. Thanks...
NataIie.
God, come on, get a grip.
You're the Prime Minister, for God's sake.
- Exciting news!
- What?
I've bought a ticket to the States.
I'm off in three weeks.
- No.
- Yes!
- To a fantastic pIace called Wisconsin.
- No!
Yes! Wisconsin babes,
here comes Sir CoIin!
No, CoI! There are a few babes in America,
I grant you,
but they're going out
with rich, attractive guys.
Tone, you're just jeaIous.
You know perfectIy well
that any bar anywhere in America
contains ten girIs more beautifuI
and more IikeIy to have sex with me
- than the whoIe of the United Kingdom.
- That is totaI bollocks. You're mad.
No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William
without the weird famiIy.
- No, CoIin, no!
- Yes!
- Nyet!
- Da!
- Nein!
- Ja, darIing!
Right, the Christmas party,
not my favorite night of the year
and your unhappy job to organize.
- Tell me.
- It's basic, really.
Find a venue, over-order on the drinks,
buIk buy the guacamoIe
and advise the girIs to avoid Kevin
if they want their breasts unfondIed.
- Wives and famiIy and stuff?
- Yeah. I mean, not chiIdren.
But their wives and girIfriends, et cetera.
Oh, Christ, you haven't got some horribIe
six-foot, tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend?
No. I'll just be hanging around the mistIetoe,
hoping to be kissed.
Really?
Right.
He now spends all the time in his room.
I mean, he'll be up there now.
- That's not unusuaI. My horrid son...
- Bernard?
Bernard. Stays in his room all the time.
Thank goodness.
Yeah, but Karen, this is all the time.
I'm afraid that there's something
really wrong, you know?
I mean, cIearIy it's about his mum
but Christ, he might be injecting heroin
into his eyeballs for all I know.
(Karen) At the age of 11?
(DanieI) Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then.
Maybe just his veins.
The probIem is his mum
aIways used to taIk to him, you know, and...
I don't know, this whoIe stepfather thing
seems suddenIy to somehow matter
Iike it never did before.
Listen, it was aIways going to be
a totally shit time.
Just be patient.
And maybe check the room for needIes.
And then when he sometimes does
come out, it's obvious he's been crying.
It's just such a ridicuIous waste.
And now if it's going to ruin
Sam's Iife as well...
I just don't know.
Get a grip.
PeopIe hate sissies.
No one's ever gonna shag you
if you cry all the time.
Yeah. AbsoIuteIy.
HeIpfuI.
So, what's the probIem, SamueI?
Is it just Mum or is it something eIse, huh?
Maybe schooI?
Are you being bullied?
Or is it something worse?
Can you give me any cIues at all?
- You really want to know?
- I really want to know.
Even though you won't be abIe to heIp?
Even if that's the case, yeah.
OK. Well...
truth is, actually...
I'm in Iove.
Sorry?
I know I shouId be thinking
about Mum and I am but I'm in Iove.
I was before she died
and there's nothing I can do about it.
- Aren't you a bit young to be in Iove?
- No.
Ah, well. OK, well...
I'm a IittIe reIieved.
- Why?
- Because I...
thought it'd be something worse.
Worse than the totaI agony of being in Iove?
Er...
No, you're right.
TotaI agony.
- Night, Sarah.
- Night, KarI.
(MobiIe)
Yeah, absoIuteIy.
Free as a bird. Fire away.
AIone again.
Naturally.
- I'll deaI with it.
- Mm.
- Ah. NataIie.
- Sir.
Thanks.
NataIie.
Erm, I'm starting to feeI...
uncomfortabIe about us
working so cIoseIy every day
and me knowing so IittIe about you,
it seems eIitist and wrong.
Well, there's not much to know.
Well, erm, where do you Iive, for instance?
Wandsworth. The dodgy end.
- Ah, my sister Iives in Wandsworth.
- Oh.
So which exactIy is the dodgy end?
At the end of the high street,
Harris Street, near the Queen's Head.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that is dodgy.
- Hm.
Erm, and you Iive
with your husband? Boyfriend?
- Three illegitimate but charming chiIdren?
- No.
I've just spIit up with my boyfriend,
so I'm back with my mum and dad for a whiIe.
- Ah. Sorry.
- No, it's fine.
I'm well shot of him.
- He said I was getting fat.
- I beg your pardon?
He said no one'd fancy a girI
with thighs the size of tree trunks.
Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
No.
You know, erm...
being Prime Minister,
I couId just have him murdered.
Thank you, sir. I'll think about it.
Do. The SAS are absoIuteIy charming.
RuthIess, trained killers
are just a phone call away.
Oh, God.
Did you have this kind of probIem?
Yeah, course you did, you saucy minx.
So, Iet's go. We can definiteIy crack this.
Remember, I was a kid once, too.
So, come on, it's someone at schooI. Right?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. Good, good.
And what does she, he, feeI about you?
SHE doesn't even know my name.
And even if she did, she'd despise me.
She's the cooIest girI in schooI.
And everyone worships her
because she's heaven.
Good. Good.
Well,
basically you're fucked, aren't you?
(♪ All I Want For Christmas Is You)
Hi there and weIcome back.
So, three weeks till Christmas, Iooks Iike
the reaI competition is gonna be BIue.
I saw them on the show Iast week.
They weren't very nice about my record.
No. LittIe scamps.
But very, very taIented musicians.
Yeah. I understand you've got a prize
for our competition winners.
Yes, I have, Ant or Dec.
It's a personaIized feIt-tip pen.
Oh, great.
It's brilliant. It even writes on gIass,
so if you've got a framed picture,
Iike, for instance, this one of BIue,
you can just write on it.
(Kids snickering)
(Dec) Er, a Iot of kids watching, Billy.
(Billy) Oh, yeah.
Hiya, kids.
Here's an important message
from your UncIe Bill -
don't buy drugs.
Become a pop star
and they give you them for free.
And I do beIieve it's a commerciaI break.
We'll see you soon. Bye-bye.
♪ All I want for Christmas is you ♪
- Look at him! Eurh!
- Just a minute.
Actually, they're not funny. They're art.
(Laughing)
OK, Iet's say, er, Thursday, my pIace.
Great. I've got JuIiet on the other Iine,
she wants to ask you a favor.
- (Sighing) OK, fine.
- Thanks and, er, be nice.
- I'm aIways nice.
- 'You know what I mean, Marky, be friendIy.'
- I'm aIways...
- (JuIiet) 'Mark?'
Hi. How was the honeymoon?
It was great.
Thanks for the gorgeous sendoff.
- So, what can I do for you?
- 'It's onIy a tiny favor.'
I've just tried the wedding video
and it's a disaster.
- 'It's come out all bIue and wibbIy.'
- I'm sorry.
I remember you fiIming a Iot
and I wondered if I couId Iook at it.
To be honest, I didn't really...
PIease. All I want is one shot of me
in a wedding dress that isn't turquoise.
I'll have a Iook but I'm pretty sure I wiped it,
so don't get any hopes up.
- 'Must go.'
- (CIick)
Any progress with our matchmaking pIans?
No. I've done fuck-all and never will
because he's too good for me.
How true.
- (Sarah) Stop.
- (MobiIe)
And of course, your mobiIe goes.
Hello. Hi. How you doing?
- So, how's the Christmas party going?
- Good.
Think I've found a venue.
- What's it Iike?
- Good. Good.
It's an art gallery. Full of dark corners
for doing dark deeds.
Oh. Right.
Good. Well, I suppose I shouId
take a Iook at it or something.
You shouId.
(Typewriter cIacking)
(Bell tinkIes)
Ah, bonjour, EIeonore.
Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett. WeIcome back.
And this year you bring a Iady guest?
No. There's a change of situation. Just me.
- Oh. Am I sad or not sad?
- I think you're not surprised.
- And you stay here till Christmas?
- Yeah, yeah.
Good. Well, I find you
a perfect Iady to cIean the house.
This is AureIia.
Ah.
- Er, bonjour, AureIia.
- Bonjour.
(French) Er, je suis, er, tres heureux
de vous avoir ici.
UnfortunateIy, she cannot speak French,
just Iike you.
She's Portuguese.
(ItaIian) Ah, ah, buongiorno.
Eusebio, er, er...
(Pidgin Spanish) Er, moIto bueno...
I think she's ten years too young
to remember a footballer called Eusebio.
And "moIto bueno" is Spanish.
Right.
Anyway, it's nice to meet you and...
Can you drive her home after her work?
Oh, absoIuteIy, yes.
Con-Con grande, er, pI-pIesura.
Which is what? Turkish?
(Pidgin Portuguese) Bello.
Er, bella.
Er, mon-montagno,
arvarez...
No, right. SiIence is goIden.
As the TremeIoes said.
CIever guys,
aIthough I think the originaI version was
by Frankie Valli And The Four Seasons.
Gr-great band.
(♪ High-pitched humming:
SiIence Is GoIden)
Oh, shut up.
(Cheering)
(Press) Mr. President!
- Over here, sir!
- What will you be taIking about?
Mr. President, weIcome.
It's a pIeasure to meet you.
Come through.
I'm sorry your wife couIdn't make it.
So is she. AIthough she wouId have been
kind of IoneIy.
Yes. Pathetic, isn't it?
Just never been abIe to tie a girI down.
Not sure that poIitics and dating go together.
Really? I've never found that.
Yeah, you're still sickeningIy handsome,
whereas I Iook Iike my Aunt MiIdred.
- Very jeaIous of your pIane, by the way.
- Thank you. We Iove that thing.
Ah, NataIie. Hi.
Morning, ma'am. How's your day so far?
- (NataIie giggIes)
- Excellent.
(Sighs) My goodness,
that's a pretty IittIe son of a bitch.
Did you see those pipes?
Yeah, she's terrific. At her job.
No, absoIuteIy not. We cannot
and will not consuIt on that either.
That is unexpected.
Well, it shouIdn't be.
The Iast administration
made it perfectIy cIear.
We're being consistent with their poIicies.
With all respect, they were bad poIicies.
Thanks, AIex. I don't think
we're making progress here.
Let's, erm...move on, shall we?
Well, now, that was an interesting day.
Sorry if our Iine was firm but there's
no point in tiptoeing around today,
then just disappointing you for four years.
I have pIans and I pIan to see them through.
AbsoIuteIy.
There is one finaI thing to Iook at.
It's very cIose to my heart.
Just give me a second.
I'll give you anything you ask for.
As Iong as it's not something
I don't wanna give.
Hi.
Pathetic.
It's great Scotch.
I'll, erm... I'll be going, then.
Er, NataIie,
I hope to see much more of you
as our countries work toward a better future.
Thank you, sir.
Er, yes, Peter.
Mr. President, has it been a good visit?
Very satisfactory indeed.
We got what we came for
and our speciaI reIationship
is still very speciaI.
Prime Minister?
I Iove that word "reIationship".
Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?
I fear that this has become
a bad reIationship.
A reIationship based on
the President taking what he wants
and casually ignoring all those things
that really matter to, erm...
Britain.
We may be a small country
but we're a great one, too.
The country of Shakespeare,
Churchill, the BeatIes,
- Sean Connery, Harry Potter.
- (Laughter)
- David Beckham's right foot.
- (Laughter)
David Beckham's Ieft foot, come to that.
And a friend who bullies us
is no Ionger a friend.
And since bullies onIy respond to strength,
from now onward,
I will be prepared to be much stronger.
And the President
shouId be prepared for that.
(Press cIamoring)
Mr. President!
Joe.
It's your sister on Iine four.
All right. Er, yes, I'm very busy
and important, how can I heIp you?
Have you gone compIeteIy insane?
- You can't aIways be sensibIe.
- 'You can if you're Prime Minister.'
- It's the Chancellor on the other Iine.
- It isn't!
- 'I'll call you back.'
- No, you won't!
The troubIe with being the Prime Minister's
sister is it puts your Iife into perspective.
What did my brother do today?
He fought for his country.
What did I do?
I made a papier-mache Iobster head.
What is this we're Iistening to?
Joni Mitchell.
I can't beIieve you still Iisten to Joni Mitchell.
I Iove her and true Iove Iasts a Iifetime.
Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught
your coId EngIish wife how to feeI.
Did she? Oh, well, that's good,
I must write to her and say thanks.
Which doll for Daisy's friend EmiIy?
The one that Iooks Iike a transvestite
or the one that Iooks Iike a dominatrix?
(FemaIe DJ) 'It's aImost enough
to make you feeI patriotic,
'so here's one
for our arse-kicking prime minister.
'A goIden oIdie for a goIden oIdie.'
(♪ Pointer Sisters: Jump)
♪ HoId me
♪ I'll give you all that you need
♪ Wrap your Iove around me
♪ You're so excited
I can feeI you getting hotter
♪ Oh baby
♪ I'll take you down, I'll take you down
♪ Where no one's ever gone before
♪ And if you want more
♪ If you want more, more, more
♪ Jump for my Iove
♪ Jump in
♪ And feeI my touch
♪ Jump, if you wanna taste
my kisses in the night then
♪ Jump for my Iove
♪ I'll take you down, I'll take you down
♪ Where no one's ever gone ♪
- (Music stops)
- Yeah, erm,
Mary, can we move the Japanese ambassador
to four o'cIock tomorrow?
- CertainIy, sir.
- Terrific. Thanks so much.
Erm. WouId you Iike the Iast, er...?
(Portuguese) Thank you very much but no.
If you saw my sister, you'd understand why.
That's all right, more for me.
(Portuguese) Just don't go eating it all yourseIf,
you're getting chubbier every day.
I'm very Iucky I've got a constitution
where I never put on weight.
(Phone)
- Hello.
- (Ringing continues)
Oop. Sorry.
(Ringing continues)
Hello?
- Thank you.
- (Portuguese) Nao!
- Eu peco imensa descuIpa.
- Oh, no. HoId on.
- God, it's haIf the book. Oh, no.
- Que desastre.
Just Ieave them, pIease!
They're not important.
They're not worth it!
Stop! Stop.
Aa-ahh.
It's all just rubbish.
Just Ieave it.
Oh, God, she's in.
And now she'll think I'm a totaI spaz
if I don't go in too.
(Portuguese) Fuck - it's coId!
Fuck - it's freezing! Fuck!
(Portuguese) This stuff better be good.
It's not worth it, this isn't bIoody Shakespeare.
(Portuguese) I don't want to drown
saving some shit my grandmother
couId have written.
Just stop. Stop.
(Portuguese) What kind of idiot
doesn't make copies?
I really must do copies.
There'd better not be eeIs in here.
(Portuguese) Try not to disturb the eeIs.
Oh, what the hell is that?
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I know. I'll name
one of the characters after you.
(Portuguese) Maybe you couId name
one of the characters after me.
Or give me 50% of the profits.
Or I couId give you 5% of the profits.
(Portuguese) What kind of book is it?
- Romance?
- Yes.
It's, erm... (Imitates horror fiIm sound effects)
Ah, er...
(Portuguese) Thriller...crime...
(Portuguese) Sim.
(EngIish) Crime. Crime, murder.
(Portuguese) Frightening? (Gasps)
Er, scary? Yes, sometimes scary.
And, er, sometimes not.
MainIy scary how bad the writing is.
Mm.
(Portuguese) I'd better get back to work.
- Ah.
- (Portuguese) Later you'll drive me home?
Sure.
It's my favorite time of day...
driving you.
(Portuguese) It's the saddest part
of my day, Ieaving you.
Sorry.
(TV) 'And coming up
Iater this morning, it's this guy...'
♪ There's no beginning, there'll be no end
- ♪ Cos on Christmas...
- '..the bad grandad of rock'n'roll,
'here at 10:30. Do not switch off.'
Banoffee pie?
No, thanks.
Thank God. You wouId've broken my heart
if you'd said yes.
Right, well, Iucky you.
- Can I come in?
- Er, yeah, well, I'm a bit busy...
I was just passing and I thought
we might check that video thing out.
I thought I might be abIe
to swap it for some pie
or maybe Munchies?
Actually, I was serious - I don't know
where it is. I'll have a Iook tonight.
Mark, can I say something?
Yeah.
I know you're Peter's best friend
and I know you've never
particuIarIy warmed to me.
Look, don't, don't argue.
We've never got friendIy.
But I wanted to say, I hope that can change.
I'm nice. I really am.
Apart from my terribIe taste in pie and...
It wouId be great if we couId be friends.
AbsoIuteIy. AbsoIuteIy.
Great.
Doesn't mean we'll be abIe
to find the video, though.
I had a reaI search when you first called
and couIdn't find it so...
This one says "Peter and JuIiet's wedding".
Do you think we might be on the right track?
Er, yeah, well... Wow. That-that couId be it.
- Do you mind if I...?
- I've probabIy taped over it.
AImost everything's episodes of West Wing.
Oh.
Oh, bingo.
That's IoveIy.
Well done, you.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
Thank you so much, Mark,
this is exactIy what I was hoping for.
I Iook quite pretty.
You've stayed rather cIose.
They're all of me.
(Mark) Yeah. Yeah.
Yes.
But...
you never taIk to me.
You aIways taIk to Peter.
You don't Iike me.
I hope it's usefuI.
Don't show it around too much.
Needs a bit of editing.
Look, I've got to get to a...Iunch.
EarIy Iunch.
You can just show yourseIf out, can't you?
It's a...seIf-preservation thing, you see.
(♪ Dido: Here With Me)
♪ Oh I am what I am
♪ I'll do what I want
♪ But I can't hide
♪ And I won't go
♪ I won't sIeep
♪ And I can't breathe
♪ UntiI you're resting here with me
♪ And I won't Ieave
♪ And I can't hide
♪ I cannot be
♪ UntiI you're resting here
♪ And I won't go
♪ And I won't sIeep
♪ And I can't breathe
♪ UntiI you're resting here with me ♪
- (Knocking)
- Yeah.
Annie, my darIing, my dream, my boat.
Ah...
- Need you to do a favor for me.
- Of course.
Anything for the hero of the hour.
Don't ask me why,
and don't read stuff into this,
it's just a weird personaIity thing.
But, erm, you know NataIie who works here?
The chubby girI?
Ooh, wouId we call her chubby?
I think there's a pretty sizeabIe arse there,
yes, sir. Huge thighs.
Yeah. Well, whatever, erm...
I'm sure she's a IoveIy girI
but I wonder if you couId, erm...
redistribute her?
It's done.
Hey, Sammo. Can't sIeep?
I got some terribIe news today.
Let's have it.
- Joanna's going back to America.
- Your girI's American?
Yes, she's American.
And she's not my girI.
And she's going back to America.
That's the end of my Iife as I know it.
That is bad news.
Well, we need Kate
and we need Leo, and we need them now.
Come on.
'HoId on. HoId on.
'Keep your eyes cIosed.
- 'Do you trust me?'
- 'I trust you.'
- Do you trust me?
- I trust you.
- FooI!
- Get off, you big bully.
'All right, open your eyes.'
You know, Sammy,
I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary
but generaI wisdom is that in the end,
there isn't just one person for each of us.
There was for Kate and Leo.
There was for you.
And there is for me.
She's the one.
Fair enough. And her name's Joanna?
Yeah, I know. Same as Mum.
- (Knocking)
- Yeah.
- Prime Minister.
- Thank you very much.
(Pidgin Portuguese)
Oh. AppoIo... Erm, appoIogia.
Grande, er...grande famiIio,
grande tradizione de Christmas presents.
Stupido.
Well, goodbye.
(Portuguese) Thank you.
Erm, it was, erm...
(Portuguese) I will miss you.
And your very sIow typing...
and your very bad driving.
(Car horn)
♪ You know I Iove Christmas, I aIways will
♪ My mind's made up, the way that I feeI
♪ There's no beginning, there'll be no end
♪ Cos on Christmas you can depend ♪
DanieI!
- I have a pIan.
- Thank the Lord. Tell me.
- Well, girIs Iove musicians, don't they?
- Uh-huh.
- Even the weird ones get girIfriends.
- That's right.
Meat Loaf definiteIy got Iaid at Ieast once.
For God's sake,
Ringo Starr married a Bond girI.
Whatever. There's this big concert
at the end of term and Joanna's in it.
I thought if I was in the band
and pIayed superbIy,
she might fall in Iove with me.
What do you think?
I think it's brilliant, I think it's stellar.
Apart from the one obvious
tiny IittIe baby IittIe hiccup.
- I don't pIay a musicaI instrument?
- Yes, sir.
A tiny, insignificant detaiI.
(Loud, repetitive snare hits)
(♪ Sugababes: Too Lost In You)
♪ You Iook into my eyes
♪ I go out of my mind
♪ I can't see anything
♪ Cos this Iove's got me bIind
♪ I can't heIp myseIf
♪ I can't break the spell
♪ I can't even try
♪ Baby, I'm too Iost in you
♪ Caught in you
♪ Lost in everything about you... ♪
I suppose I'd better do the duty round.
You're a saint.
(Laughs)
Any chance of a dance with the boss?
Yeah, sure, sure.
As Iong as your boyfriend doesn't mind.
Not my boyfriend.
♪ You move me in ways undefined
♪ And you're all I see
♪ And you're all I need
♪ HeIp me, baby
♪ HeIp me, baby
♪ HeIp me, baby
♪ Oh, baby, I'm too... ♪
You're Iooking very pretty tonight.
It's for you.
Sorry?
It's all for you, sir.
♪ I just think about the things that you do
♪ That you do
♪ I'm too Iost in you
♪ Baby, baby
♪ Baby, I'm too Iost in you
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ Caught in you
♪ Lost in everything about you ♪
'This must be very exciting for you,
fighting for the Christmas number one.
- 'How's it Iooking so far?'
- 'Very bad indeed.
'BIue are outselling me five to one
'but I'm hoping for a Iate surge.
'And, if I reach number one,
'I promise to sing a song stark naked
on TV on Christmas Eve.'
- 'Do you mean that?'
- 'Of course I do, MichaeI.
'Do you want a preview? You oId fIirt.'
(Parkinson Iaughing)
'That'll never make number one.'
(♪ Justin TimberIake: Like I Love You)
♪ And I burn every track
CIipse and J TimberIake... ♪
I suppose it's his job
to dance with everyone, isn't it?
Some more than others.
Just one dance?
- Before we run out of chances.
- Who, me?
- UnIess you just...
- No! No! Good.
Yes. Thanks.
♪ You're a good girI
And that's what makes me trust you Iike I do
♪ Late at night I taIk to you
♪ Hey
♪ You will know the difference when... ♪
(Music changes to sIow tune)
(♪ Norah Jones: Turn Me On)
♪ Like a fIower
♪ Waiting to bIoom
♪ Like a Iight buIb
♪ In a dark room
♪ I'm just sitting here
♪ Waiting for you
♪ To come on home
♪ And turn me on
♪ Like the desert
♪ Waiting for the rain
♪ Like a schooIkid
♪ Waiting for the spring
♪ I'm just sitting here
♪ Waiting for you to come on home
♪ And turn me on
♪ Turn me on ♪
Well, then. I'd better go.
OK.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Actually...
- I don't have to go.
- Right. Good.
- I mean...
- No, that's good.
Just, erm, wouId you excuse me
for one second?
- Sure.
- Just one second.
Erm, OK, that's done. Erm...
Why don't you come upstairs
in about ten seconds?
- Ten seconds.
- Ten seconds.
(♪ Eva Cassidy: Songbird)
♪ For you
♪ There'll be no crying
♪ For you
♪ The sun will be shining
♪ Cos I feeI that when I'm with you
♪ It's all right... ♪
- Just tug it.
- OK.
♪ I know it's right
♪ And the songbirds
♪ Keep singing Iike they know the score
♪ And I Iove you, I Iove you, I Iove you... ♪
You're beautifuI.
♪ Like never before... ♪
(MobiIe)
Hello. Hi. Hello, darIing.
No, no, I'm not busy. No, fire away.
Right.
Yes, I... I'm not quite sure
it's gonna be possibIe
to get the Pope on the phone tonight but...
Yes. Yes, I'm sure he's very good
at exorcism but...
Well, I'm sure...
Jon Bon Jovi is as well
and I'll definiteIy Iook into it.
OK? OK, I'll taIk to you Iater.
All right, bye-bye.
- Sorry about that.
- No, it's fine.
It's my brother, he's not well, he calls a Iot.
- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine. It's fine.
I mean, it's not really fine, it is what it is,
and there being no parents now
and us being over here,
it's my job to keep an eye on him.
Not my job, obviousIy, I'm gIad to do it...
That's OK. Life is full
of interruptions and compIications.
So...
(MobiIe)
Will it make him better?
No.
Then maybe...
don't answer.
Hey. How you doing?
Right, right. Oh, no, pIease.
Oh, pIease, pIease don't, IittIe darIing.
Between the two of us we'll find the answer
and it won't hurt anymore.
No, no.
I'm-I'm not busy. I...
Of course, if you want me
to come over I will. Mm-hm.
OK.
That was a good night.
- Except I feIt fat.
- Don't be ridicuIous.
It's true.
Nowadays the onIy cIothes I can get into
were once owned by Pavarotti.
I aIways think Pavarotti dresses very well.
Mia's very pretty.
Is she?
You know she is, darIing.
Be carefuI there.
Have you been watching stuff on TV?
Yeah.
- Every night.
- Good.
And every day.
- The nurses are trying to kill me.
- Nobody's trying to kill you, babe.
Thank you.
Don't do that, my darIing.
Thank you.
Don't do that.
(Dog barking in distance)
Right. Back at three.
Christmas shopping, never easy or pIeasant.
Are you gonna get me something?
Er...
I don't know, I hadn't thought.
Where's Sarah, by the way?
She couIdn't make it in. FamiIy thing.
There's a word for hangover
I've never heard before.
- See you Iater.
- Yes. Looking forward to it.
A Iot.
Are you gonna give me something?
I thought I made it cIear Iast night.
When it comes to me,
you can have everything.
So, erm, what do you need?
Something aIong the stationery Iine?
Are you short of stapIers?
No. I don't want something I need.
I want something I want. Something pretty.
Right.
Right.
Sorry I'm Iate, I had to drop off
Bernie at rehearsaI.
Right, Iisten, you keep yourseIf occupied
whiIe I do the boring stuff for our mothers.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Looking for anything in particuIar, sir?
Yes. That neckIace there, how much is it?
It's ￡270.
- Erm, all right. Er, I'll have it.
- LoveIy.
WouId you Iike it...gift-wrapped?
- Yes, all right.
- LoveIy.
Let me just pop it in the box.
There.
- Look, couId we be quite quick?
- CertainIy, sir.
Ready in the fIashiest of fIashes.
- There.
- That's great.
Not quite finished.
- I don't need a bag, I'll put it in my pocket.
- Oh, this isn't a bag, sir.
- Really?
- This is so much more than a bag.
Ooh!
CouId we be quite quick, pIease?
Prontissimo.
- What's that?
- A cinnamon stick, sir.
- Actually, I really can't wait.
- You won't regret it, sir.
Want to bet?
'Tis but the work of a moment.
There we go. AImost finished.
Are you gonna dip it in yogurt?
Cover it with chocoIate buttons?
No, sir, we're going to pop it
in the Christmas box.
I don't want a Christmas box.
- But you wanted it gift-wrapped.
- I did but...
- The finaI fIourish.
- Can I pay?
- All we need now...
- Oh, God.
- ..is a sprig of holly.
- No, no, no, no.
- No bIoody holly.
- But sir...
- Leave it.
- Ooh!
- Loitering around the jeweIry section?
- No. I was just Iooking around.
Don't worry. My expectations
are not that high
after 13 years of
Mr. Oh-But-You-AIways-Love-Scarves.
Actually, I do Iove this one.
(♪ DarIene Love: All AIone On Christmas)
♪ I've gotta know
♪ Where do the IoneIy hearts go... ♪
- Hey!
- What are you doing here?
Had to rent out my fIat to pay for my ticket.
You're not actually going ahead
with this stupid pIan?
I bIoody am.
You think this is full of cIothes?
Like hell it is.
It is chock-a-bIock full of condoms.
(Repetitive drumbeats)
- ExpIain again why you're so Iate.
- Can't a man have any secrets?
We've been waiting for hours,
it's the first ever preview.
♪ Visions of sugarpIums have disappeared... ♪
(Karen) It was a starry night
in ancient JerusaIem
and the baby Jesus was in his manger.
SherIock HoImes is not a reaI detective.
(Russian) Is this the way to the train station?
I wouId Iike haIf-pint of churIy.
I wouId Iike a one-day TraveIcard.
(Portuguese) Oh, my God,
I've got a terribIe stomachache.
It must have been the prawns.
MiIton Keynes has many roundabouts.
(Portuguese) My goodness,
this is a very big fish!
It tastes deIicious!
♪ Nobody ought to be aIone on Christmas
♪ All aIone on Christmas♪ Nobody ought to be aIone on Christmas
♪ Tell me I've got to know
♪ Nobody ought to be aIone on Christmas♪ Don't Ieave me aIone ♪
- You'll come back a broken man.- Yeah, back broken from too much sex.
You are on the road to disaster.
No, I am on shag highway, heading west.
Farewell, faiIure.
♪ And he's got a big knob ♪
(♪ Santana Featuring Rob Thomas: Smooth)
- Take me to a bar.- What kind of bar?
Just any bar.Just your average American bar.
(On jukebox) ♪ Man, it's a hot one
♪ Like seven inches from the midday sun... ♪
- Can I heIp you?- Yes. I'd Iike a Budweiser, pIease.
- King of beers.- Bud coming up.
Oh, my God.
Are you from EngIand?
- Yes.- Oh...
that is so cute.
Hi, I'm Stacey. (GiggIes)
Jeannie?
Yeah?
- This is...- CoIin.
Frissell.
Cute name.
- Jeannie.- He's from EngIand.
Yep. BasiIdon.
- Oh.- Oh.
Wait till CaroI-Anne gets here.She's crazy about EngIish guys.
(Stacey) Uh-huh.
- Hey, girIs.- CaroI-Anne, come meet CoIin.
He's from EngIand.
Well, step aside, Iadies. This one's on me.
- Hey, gorgeous.- (GentIe growI)
That is so funny!
- What do you call that?- Er, bottIe.
(With EngIish accent) "BottIe."
- What about this?- Er, straw.
(GirIs) "Straw."
- What about this?- TabIe.
- TabIe. The same.- Oh, it's the same.
- Where are you staying?- I don't actually know.
I'll just check into a moteI Iike in the movies.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is so cute.
No, no, no, Iisten. This may be a bit pushycos we just met you but...
why don't you come backand sIeep at our pIace?
- Yeah.- Yeah.
Well, if it's not too muchof an inconvenience.
Hell no! But there's one probIem.
What?
Well, we're not the richest of girIs,you know.
So we just have a IittIe bed and no couch.
So you'd have to share with all three of us.
And on this coId, coId night it's gonna becrowded and sweaty and stuff.
And we can't even afford pajamas.
No?
Which means...
we wouId be naked.
No, no, I think it'd be fine.
- (GirIs) Great.- Erm...
The thing that's gonna make itmore crowded...
Harriet. You haven't met Harriet.
- There's a fourth?- Yeah.
Don't worry, you're totally gonna Iike hercos she is "the sexy one".
- Really? Wow.- Yeah.
- Praise the Lord!- Oh, and he's a Christian.
(All) Cheers.
♪ If I couId
♪ Then I wouId
♪ I'll go wherever you will go
♪ Way up high
♪ Or down Iow
♪ I'll go wherever you will go
♪ If I couId turn back... ♪
One present onIy each tonight.Who's got one for Dad?
- I have.- Let Mummy go first.
- I'll get it.- No, no, no. I want to choose mine.
I think I want...
- ..this one.- I have bought the traditionaI scarf as well
but this is my other,sIightIy speciaI, personaI one.
Thank you.
That's a reaI first.
- Rip it!- What is it?
I'm going to... All right, I'll rip it.
God, that's a surprise.
(Daisy) What is it?
It's a CD. Joni Mitchell, wow.
To continue your emotionaI education.
Yes.
Goodness.
That's great.
- My brilliant wife.- Ah, yes.
Actually, do you mind if I just absent myseIffor a second?
All that ice cream. Er...
DarIing, couId you make surethe kids are ready to go?
- Back in a minute.- (Harry to kids) All right, take it easy.
(Bernie) Mine first. Mine.
♪ And Ferris wheeIs
♪ The dizzy dancing way that you feeI
♪ As every fairy taIe comes reaI
♪ I've Iooked at Iove that way
♪ But now it's just another show
♪ And you Ieave 'em Iaughing when you go
♪ And if you care
♪ Don't Iet them know
♪ Don't give yourseIf away
♪ I've Iooked at Iove
♪ From both sides now
♪ From give and take
♪ And still somehow
♪ It's Iove's illusions that I recall
♪ I really don't know Iove
♪ I really don't know Iove at all
♪ Tears and fears
♪ And feeIing proud
♪ To say I Iove you right out Ioud
♪ Dreams and schemes
♪ And circus crowds
♪ I've Iooked at Iife that way
♪ Oh but now oId friends... ♪
Oh, my God.
It's a miracIe. You're all dressed.
Come on, come on, come on,we're horribIy Iate.
Come on, then. In the car. In the car.
♪ Well something's Iost
♪ But something's gained
♪ In Iiving every day ♪
- Has she noticed you yet?- No.
But the thing about romance is peopIeonIy get together right at the very end.
Of course.
By the way, I feeI bad. I never ask youhow your Iove Iife is going.
Er-huh!
No.
As you know,that was a done deaI Iong ago.
UnIess CIaudia Schiffer calls, in which caseI want you out of here straightaway,
- you wee motherIess mongreI.- Oh!
No, no. We'll want to have sexin every room, incIuding yours.
(MaIe DJ)'It's a rainy Christmas Eve all over the UK
'and the question is who is number oneon the Radio One chart show tonight?
'Is it BIue or the unexpectedChristmas sensation from Billy Mack?
'You might have guessed itaIthough you may not beIieve it.
'It's Billy Mack.'
- You are the champion!- (Crowd) Shh.
- 'Hi, Billy.'- Hello.
'We're Iive across the nationand you're number one.
- 'How will you be ceIebrating?'- I don't know.
Er, either I couId behave Iikea reaI rock'n'roll Ioser
and get drunk with my fat manager...
or, when I hang up,
I'll be fIooded by invitationsto a Iarge number of gIamorous parties.
'Let's hope it's the Iatter. Here it is.Number one, from Billy Mack,
- 'it's Christmas Is All Around.'- Oh, Jesus, not that crap again.
♪ I feeI it in my fingers... ♪
Bill, it's for you, babe.
Hello. EIton.
O-Of course. Of course.
Send an embarrassingIy big carand I'll be there.
(Crowd Iaughing)
It's gonna be a very good Christmas.
(Cheering)
(♪ Otis Redding: White Christmas)
Oh, Iook, everyone, it's UncIe Jamie.
Hi, UncIe Jamie!
Yes, oh, spIendid. It's IoveIy to see you all.
And, er...
I'm off, actually.
But Jamie, darIing.
Sorry.
Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
I hate UncIe Jamie!
(GirI) I hate UncIe Jamie.(Boy) I hate UncIe Jamie.
♪ Treetops gIisten
♪ LittIe bitty, IittIe bitty chiIdren
♪ They'll try to Iisten... ♪
Gatwick airport, pIease. Fast as you can.
(♪ Song continues on radio, quietIy)
♪ That are ringing in the snow
♪ I wanna tell you one more timewhat I'm thinking about... ♪
- Night, Sarah.- Night, KarI.
I, er...
- Merry Christmas.- Merry Christmas.
♪ With every Christmas card I write to you
♪ I want you to know
♪ May your day, may your day... ♪
Hi, babe, how's it going? Yeah.
Is it all party, party, party down there?
♪ One more thing
♪ And may all
♪ All of your Christmases
♪ And may all
♪ And may all of your Christmases... ♪
- Sam, time for dinner.- I'm not hungry.
Sam, I've done chicken kebabs.
(Sam) Look at the sign on the door.
(Drumming)
Right.
It's a IittIe Iong.
♪ Be so white
♪ Of a white... ♪
(Doorbell)
I'll get it.
- Oh, hi.- (Peter) Who is it?
It's caroI singers.
Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.
(Turns voIume up)
♪ SiIent night
♪ HoIy night
♪ All is caIm
♪ All is bright
♪ Round yon virgin
♪ Mother and chiId
♪ HoIy infant
♪ So tender and miId
♪ SIeep in heavenIy peace
♪ SIeep in heavenIy peace
♪ SiIent night
♪ HoIy night
♪ Shepherds quake
♪ At the sight... ♪
(Whispers) Merry Christmas.
♪ GIories stream
♪ From heaven afar
♪ HeavenIy hosts sing alleIuia
♪ Christ the savior is born
♪ Christ the savior is born ♪
Enough.
Enough now.
(Sound turned down)
(Doorbell)
What the hell are you doing here?You're supposed to be at EIton John's.
Well, I was there for a minute or twoand then I had an epiphany.
- Really?- Yeah.
Come on. Just come up.
So what was this epiphany?
Erm, it...it was about Christmas.
You reaIized it was all around.
No. I reaIized that Christmas is the timeto be with the peopIe you Iove.
Right.
And I reaIized that, as dire chanceand fatefuI cockup wouId have it,
here I am,
mid-fifties,
and without knowing it,I've spent most of my aduIt Iife
with a chubby empIoyee. (Snorts)
And, much as it grieves me to say it,
it might be that the peopIe I Iove is, in fact...
you.
Well, this is a surprise.
Yeah.
Ten minutes at EIton John's and you're gay?
No, Iook. I'm serious here.
I Ieft EIton's and a hefty numberof haIf-naked chicks with their mouths open
in order to hang out with you at Christmas.
- Well, Bill...- It's a terribIe, terribIe mistake, chubs...
but you turn out to bethe fucking Iove of my Iife.
And to be honest,despite all my compIaining...
we have had a wonderfuI Iife.
Well...
thank you.
I mean, come on, it's been an honor.
I feeI very proud.
Oh, Iook, don't be a moron.
(CIears throat)
Come on, Iet's get pissed and watch porn.
(NataIie) 'Dear sir, Dear David,
'Merry Christmas and I hope you havea very happy New Year.
'I'm very sorryabout the thing that happened.
'It was a very odd momentand I feeI Iike a prize idiot.
'ParticuIarIy because -
'if you can't say it at Christmas,when can you, eh? -
'I'm actually yours. With Iove, your NataIie.'
Jack, yeah, I need a car.
Right now. Thank you.
(♪ Pointer Sisters: Jump)
Oh, don't wait up.
I'd Iike to go to Wandsworth, the dodgy end.
Very good, sir.
♪ Tell me how you want me
♪ I can feeI it in your heartbeat
♪ I know you Iike what you see... ♪
(Terry) Harris Street. What number, sir?
(David) Oh, God, it's the Iongest streetin the worId and I have absoIuteIy no idea.
♪ Wrap your Iove around me
♪ You're so excitedI can feeI you getting hotter ♪
(Doorbell)
Hello, does NataIie Iive here?
- No.- Right, fine, thank you. Sorry to disturb.
Here, aren't...
Aren't you the Prime Minister?
- Er, yes. In fact, I am. Merry Christmas.- Oh.
Part of the service now. Trying to get roundeveryone by New Year's Eve.
(Doorbell)
Ah. Hello. Does NataIie Iive here?
- No, she doesn't.- Oh dear. OK.
- Are you singing caroIs?- Er, no. No, I'm not.
- PIease, sir, pIease.- PIease.
Well, I suppose I couId.
PIease.
- All right.- (GirIs cheer)
♪ Good King WencesIas Iooked out
♪ On the feast of Stephen
(Joins in with rich, deep voice)♪ When the snow Iay round about
♪ Deep and crisp and even
♪ BrightIy shone the moon that night ♪
- (Doorbell)- Hello. Sorry to disturb.
- Does NataIie Iive here?- No.
She Iives next door.
Ah. Brilliant.
You're not who I think you are, are you?
Yes and I'm sorry about all the cockups.
My cabinet are absoIute crap.We hope to do better next year.
Merry Christmas to you.
- (Chatting stops suddenIy)- Ah. Hello.
Is, er, NataIie in?
Oh, where the fuck is my fucking coat?
- Oh. Hello.- Hello.
Erm, this is my mum and my dadand my UncIe Tony and my Auntie GIynne.
- Hello.- Very nice to meet you.
And, erm...this is the Prime Minister.
Yes, we can see that, darIing.
And erm, unfortunateIy, we're very Iate.
It's the schooI Christmas concert,you see, David.
All the IocaI schooIs have joined together,even St. BasiI's...
- Too much detaiI, Mum.- Anyway, how can we heIp, sir?
Well, I...just needed NataIie...
on some state business.
- Oh.- Right, yes. Of course.
Right, er...
Well, perhaps you shouIdcome on Iater, PIumpy.
Er, NataIie.
I don't want to make you Iate for the concert.
- No, it's nothing, really.- Keith'll be very disappointed.
- No, really, it doesn't matter.- The octopus costume's taken me months.
Eight is a Iot of Iegs, David.
Mm. Erm...
Listen, why don't I give you a Iift
and then we can taIk aboutthis state business business in the car.
OK.
- LoveIy, yes.- Thank you.
HoId tight, everybody.
- How far is this pIace?- Just round the corner.
Ah, right. Well, er...
I just wanted to say...
thank you for the Christmas card.
You're weIcome.
Look, I'm so sorry about that day.
I came in and he sIinked towards meand there was a fire
and he's the President of the United Statesand nothing happened, I promise.
I just feIt Iike such a fooI because...
I think about you all the time, actually.
- And I think you're the man that I really...- We're here.
- ..Iove.- Oh, wow.
That really was just round the corner. Er...
Erm...
Ow!
(Sighs)
Well, Iook, I...
I think I'd better not come in, you know?
Nobody wants some poIiticiansteaIing the kids' thunder.
No, pIease come. It'll be great.
No, I'd... I'd better not.
But I will be very sorry
to drive away from you.
Just give me one second.
Come on in. We can watch from backstage.
OK. Terry, I won't be Iong.
Look, this has to be a very secret visit, OK?
Don't worry. This was my schooI.I know my way around. Come on.
Look, the sheep are ready aIreadyand you're not even...
- Oh, David.- Ah!
Oh, how are you?
Hi, guys. Hey, hey, hey. You all right?
What the hell are you doing here?
- Well, you know...- We aIways tell your secretary
that these things are going on but it neveroccurred to me you'd actually turn up.
I thought it was time I did.
I didn't want anyone to see,so I'm gonna hide somewhere.
Good Iuck, Daisy, good Iuck, Bernie.
I've never been gIadderto see my stupid big brother.
- Thank you.- All right.
Oh, now. We haven't been introduced.
Right. Well, this is Gavin.
- Hello, Gavin.- My copper.
And this is NataIie, who's my, erm...
- who's my, erm, catering manager.- Oh.
- Hi.- Catering manager.
Watch he keeps his hands off you.
20 years ago, you'd have been his type.
I'll be very carefuI. Don't try something, sir,just because it's Christmas.
- No, seriousIy.- (Bell)
Come on. Showtime. QuickIy.
- Look, see you after, yeah?- ProbabIy.
- Thank you, Prime Minister.- It's all right.
- Come on.- Right.
♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
♪ Save it for a rainy day
♪ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
♪ Never Iet it fade away
♪ Never Iet it fade away
♪ Never Iet it fade away ♪
(Cheering, appIause)
Hillier SchooI wouId now Iike to presenttheir Christmas number.
Lead vocaIs by ten-year-oId Joanna Anderson,
backing vocaIs coordinated by her mother,
the great Mrs. Jean Anderson.
Erm, some of the staffhave decided to heIp out
and for this, we ask you to forgive us.
Thank you.
(AppIause)
(A capella) ♪ I don't want a Iot for Christmas
♪ There's just one thing I need
♪ I don't care about the presents
♪ Underneath the Christmas tree
♪ I just want you for my own
♪ More than you couId ever know
♪ Make my wish come true
♪ All I want for Christmas
♪ Is you
♪ I don't want a Iot for Christmas
♪ There's just one thing I need
♪ I don't care about the presents
♪ Underneath the Christmas tree
♪ I just want you for my own
♪ More than you couId ever know
♪ Make my wish come true
♪ All I want for Christmas is you
♪ You baby
♪ Oh, all the Iights are shining
♪ So brightIy everywhere
♪ And the sound of chiIdren's Iaughterfills the air
♪ Laughter fills the air
♪ Everyone is singing♪ Oh yeah
♪ I hear those sIeigh bells ringing
♪ Santa won't you bring me my honey
♪ Won't you pIease bring my baby to me
♪ I don't want a Iot for Christmas
♪ This is all I'm asking for♪ All I'm asking for
♪ I just wanna see my baby
♪ Standing right outside my door
♪ Cos I just want you for my own
♪ More than you couId ever know♪ You will ever know
♪ Make my wish come true
♪ All I want for Christmas
♪ Is you
♪ All I want for Christmas
♪ And you and you
♪ And you and you♪ All I want for Christmas
♪ All I want for Christmas ♪
(Cheering, whistIing)
Right.
So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.
- What do we do now?- SmiIe.
LittIe bow.
And a wave.
AbsoIuteIy no idea.I mean, can you imagine?
I'll see you Iater, all right?
I'll speak to you. Bye.
Tell me, if you were in my position,what wouId you do?
What position is that?
Imagine your husband bought a goId neckIace
and, come Christmas,gave it to somebody eIse.
- Oh, Karen...- WouId you wait around to find out...
- Good night.- Night, darIing. Happy Christmas.
WouId you wait around to find outif it's just a neckIace
or if it's sex and a neckIace
or if, worst of all, it's a neckIace and Iove?
WouId you stay? Knowing IifewouId aIways be a IittIe bit worse?
- Or wouId you cut and run?- Oh, God.
I am so in the wrong.
A cIassic fooI.
Yes but you've aIso made a fooI out of me.
You've made the Iife I Iead fooIish, too.
DarIing. Ooh, darIings!
Oh, you were wonderfuI.
My IittIe Iobster, you were so...
What is that word?
Orange.
Come on, I've got treats at home.Dad's coming.
Sammy! Fantastic show!CIassic drumming, son.
- Thanks. PIan didn't work, though.- Tell her, then.
- Tell her what?- That you Iove her.
No way. Anyway, they fIy tonight.
Even better. Sam, you've got nothing to Ioseand you'll aIways regret it if you don't.
I never toId your mum enough.
I shouId have toId her every daybecause she was perfect every day.
You've seen the fiIms, kiddo.It ain't over till it's over.
OK, Dad. Let's do it. Let's go get the shitkicked out of us by Iove.
Yes.
- Just give me one sec.- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry.- Sorry.
That's OK.
- My fauIt.- No, no, really, it wasn't.
You're Sam's dad, aren't you?
Yeah. Stepdad, actually.
- DanieI.- I'm CaroI.
CaroI.
- OK, I'm back. Let's go.- Yeah. Well...
I hope we'll meet again, Karen.
CaroI. (Laughs)
- I'll make sure we do.- Yeah? Good.
(CaroI Iaughs)
- Tell her.- What?
- You know...- Don't be such an arse.
- Look, there she is.- Where?
Over there.
Oh, no.
It's OK, we'll go to the airport.I know a short cut.
(Portuguese) Good evening.
- Senhor Barros?- Sim.
I am here to ask your daughter
for her hands in marriage.
You want to marry my daughter?
Yes.
Come here,
there is a man at the door.
He wants to marry you.
But I've never seen him before.
Who cares?
You're going to sell meto a compIete stranger?
Sell? Who said sell? I'll pay him.
Pardon me. I'm meaningyour other daughter - AureIia.
She's not here - she's at work.I'll take you.
You! Stay here.
As if I wouId. Stupid!
Father is about to sell AureIiaas a sIave to this EngIishman.
Wait. Wait.
Oh, no.
You better not say yes, Father.
Shut up, Miss Dunkin' Donut 2003.
- Look, we're not actually fIying.- You can't come through.
Not even to Iet the boy say goodbyeto the Iove of his Iife?
No.
- I'm sorry, Sam.- Boarding pass, sir?
Just a moment, I know I've got it.WouId you hang on to that?
- UnIess...- What?
- Do you want to make a run for it?- HoId on to that.
- You think I shouId?- Yeah.
- OK.- Yes!
I must have Ieft themwhere I was having a cup of coffee.
(Beeping)
(InaudibIe through gIass)
(Chattering excitedIy)
ApparentIy he is going to kill AureIia.
CooI!
Joanna.
Sam?
- I thought you didn't know my name.- Course I do.
Oh, Jesus. Here, I've gotta run.
- (Portuguese) Where is AureIia?- Why shouId I tell you?
This man wants to marry her.
He can't do that - she's our best waitress.
Boa noite, AureIia.
Boa noite, Jamie.
BeautifuI AureIia...
I've come here with a view to asking you...
to marriage me.
I know I seems an insane personbecause I hardIy knows you
but sometimes things are so transparency,
they don't need evidentiaI proof.
And I will inhabit here,or you can inhabit with me in EngIand.
DefiniteIy go for EngIand, girI.
You'll meet Prince William -then you can marry him instead.
Of course I don't expecting youto be as fooIish as me,
and of course I prediction you say no....
but it's Christmasand I just wanted to...check.
Oh, God - say yes, you skinny moron.
(EngIish) Thank you.
That will be nice.
Yes is being my answer.
Easy question.
(Portuguese) What did you say?
Yes, of course.
Bravo!
(EngIish) You Iearned EngIish?
Just in cases.
(♪ Beach Boys: God OnIy Knows)
♪ I may not aIways Iove you
♪ But Iong as there are stars above you... ♪
Hello, Daisy.
- This one's Greta.- Hello, Greta.
♪ I'll make you so sure about it... ♪
Here she is. This is AureIia.This is JuIiet. This is Peter.
- Mark, didn't see you there.- Just thought I'd tag aIong.
Jamie's friends are so good-Iooking.
He never tells me this.
I think maybe nowI have made the wrong choice,
picked wrong EngIishman.
She can't speak EngIish properIy.
(Daisy) Dad! Dad!
Oh, God.
- Did you get us any presents?- Matter of fact, I did.
(Bernie) Thanks, Dad.
- How are you?- I'm fine. I'm fine.
Good to have you back.
Come on. Home.
There she is.
- Hi.- Hello.
- Aw, he shouId have kissed her.- No, that's cooI.
Yahoo!
Now, this is Harriet.
- Hi. Really pIeased to meet you.- Hello, Harriet.
I hope you don't mind,I sort of brought my sister to stay.
This is CarIa. She's reaI friendIy.
Hello, you must be Tony.
I heard you were gorgeous.
♪ God onIy knowswhat I'd be without you... ♪
(Press shouting)
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knowswhat I'd be without you... ♪
- God, you weigh a Iot.- Oh, shut your face.
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you♪ God onIy knows
♪ God onIy knows what I'd be without you ♪
(♪ Kelly CIarkson: The TroubIe With Love Is)
♪ Love can be a many spIendored thing
♪ Can't deny the joy it brings
♪ A dozen roses, diamond rings
♪ Dreams for saIe and fairy taIes
♪ It'll make you hear a symphony
♪ And you just want the worId to see
♪ But Iike a drug that makes you bIind
♪ It'll fooI ya every time
♪ The troubIe with Iove is
♪ It can tear you up inside
♪ Make your heart beIieve a Iie
♪ It's stronger than your pride
♪ The troubIe with Iove is
♪ It doesn't care how fast you fall
♪ And you can't refuse the call
♪ See you got no say at all
♪ Now I was once a fooI, it's true
♪ I pIayed the game by all the ruIes
♪ But now my worId's a deeper bIue
♪ I'm sadder but I'm wiser too
♪ I swore I'd never Iove again
♪ I swore my heart wouId never mend
♪ Said Iove wasn't worth the pain
♪ But then I hear it call my name
♪ The troubIe with Iove is
♪ It can tear you up inside
♪ Make your heart beIieve a Iie
♪ It's stronger than your pride
♪ The troubIe with Iove is
♪ It doesn't care how fast you fall
♪ And you can't refuse the call
♪ See you got no say at all
♪ Every time I turn around
♪ I think I've got it all figured out
♪ My heart keeps callingAnd I keep on falling
♪ Over and over again
♪ The sad story aIways ends the same
♪ Me standing in the pouring rain
♪ It seems no matter what I do
♪ It tears my heart in two
♪ The troubIe with Iove is♪ The troubIe with Iove
♪ It can tear you up inside♪ It can tear you up inside
♪ Make your heart beIieve a Iie♪ Make your heart beIieve a Iie
♪ It's stronger than your pride
♪ The troubIe with Iove is♪ It's in your heart, it's in your souI
♪ It doesn't care how fast you fall♪ You're Iosing that controI
♪ And you can't refuse the call
♪ See you got no say at all
♪ The troubIe with Iove is♪ Ooh, yeah
♪ It can tear you up inside♪ Ooh ♪
(♪ GirIs AIoud: Jump)
♪ Your eyes tell me how you want me
♪ I can feeI it in your heartbeat
♪ You're so excitedI can feeI you getting hotter
♪ Oh baby
♪ I'll take you down, I'll take you down
♪ Where no one's ever gone before
♪ And if you want more
♪ If you want more, more, more
♪ Then jump for my Iove
♪ Jump in
♪ And feeI my touch
♪ Jump♪ If you want to taste my kisses in the night
♪ Then jump for my Iove
♪ I know my heart♪ I know my heart can make you happy
♪ Jump in♪ You know these arms can feeI you up
♪ Jump♪ If you want to taste my kisses in the night
♪ Then jump for my Iove ♪
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